NOTE: Late again! Sorry! I’ve given up on getting it done by a specific time… all I can promise is that it will be done before the next one airs, LOL. These things take foreeeever to write. To those new to these reviews, I HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS.
Here’s What Happened:
In Winterfell, Bran is getting lessons from Luwin. He obviously knows the material, but Bran is still grouchy, from… you know, losing his legs. He’s now deciding to take his anger out on his mother for leaving him before he woke up. Luwin tells him that she is doing what she must for the family, but this doesn’t comfort Bran. And honestly, I get why he is upset. He just lost his legs, and he is redirecting his anger to something he can be angry at since he doesn’t remember what happened to him.
He does cheer up though when Luwin tells him that if Tyrion’s contraption works, he will be able to do archery from horseback.
Theon and Ros get it on in the castle, and he reveals that he is still stinging from his little confrontation with Tyrion in the previous is episode and appears quite jealous. He tries to have sex with her again, but he doesn’t want to pay for it. She tells him to get a wife. LOL.
He creeps me out a little.
At The Eyrie:
On the way to the Eyrie (rather than Winterfell), Catelyn is traveling with her father’s bannerman and Tyrion to take him to see her sister, Lady Lysa Arryn (Jon Arryn’s wife). Tyrion tells Catelyn that Lysa has changed since Jon Arryn died, but Catelyn refuses to hear of it. He also tells her that he did not attempt to have Bran killed, as he wouldn’t be dumb enough to use his own dagger.
Catelyn appears confused (as usual), but they then get attacked by Hill Tribes. Bronn takes out quite a few of them, this guy is pretty bamf. Tyrion sees a chance to escape, but also sees that Catelyn is about to die. He chooses to save her life, rather than escape.
Later on when they arrive at the Eyrie, we see that this has had some effect on Catelyn as Tyrion is no longer bound. But she still wishes him to stand trial I guess.
Whatever. They get an audience with Lysa. Now, in the past few episodes I keep mentioning the CREEPIEST scene… but this one by far takes the cake.
Lysa has definitely gone off the deep end. She thinks that Tyrion has also killed her husband. Tyrion sighs at this (as he obviously didn’t do it), and tells Lysa that if he is harmed, his brother will take war to the Eyrie. The little creepy kid flips out, and tells his mother that he wants to see Tyrion fly. Lysa tells him that he might. At this point, Catelyn is realizing that her sister isn’t the same person that she used to know. CHRIST.
Tyrion is taken off to his… uh, cell.
The sisters are stitching together the knight formerly known as Ser Hugh (the guy DESTROYED by The Mountain), while Ned and Ser Barristan watch. Ned speculates that Ser Hugh was deliberately placed to joust versus The Mountain so he would die.
I think I know enough clues at this point, can I solve the riddle?
Cersei wanted Jon Arryn dead for prying into the genealogy, so she went to the then squire Hugh and offered him tons of money and a status upgrade to knight if he would slip poison into Jon Arryn’s drink. After Arryn died, Cersei waited for the perfect time to stage Ser Hugh’s death so it would look perfectly legal and therefore tie up any loose ends as he was the only other person who knew what really took place besides Jaime. Well, I’m guessing Tyrion knows as well (he’s just too smart not too), but isn’t going to say anything. He’s loyal to his family to the point where he isn’t going to turn them in, even though he’s probably figured out by this point that Cersei staged his involvement in the attempted assasination.
However… I don’t think Jon Arryn was on the verge of finding out just about Jaime and Cersei fucking, it had to have been something more. “The seed is strong.”
Robert is leaving bastard children everywhere… so why isn’t Cersei getting pregnant anymore? I’m assuming they aren’t fucking anymore.
ANYWAYS. Ned then goes to see Robert in his tent when he finds out the King intends on jousting. However… he’s having a little trouble getting his armor to fit. I feel sorry for that poor little Lannister. Seems out of place among his family. Ned reminds Robert that no man in Seven Kingdoms would dare to strike Robert. He seems to give up at this realization. He laments and says, “I thought that being King meant I could do whatever I wanted.”
At the tournament, we find out the next match is the Mountain versus Ser Loras Tyrell. Or, the knight of the flowers. He gives Sansa a flower, as any obviously straight man would do. Littlefinger and Renly bet on the outcome (Renly for Loras, Littlefinger against), and the jibes between them throughout the match and after are pretty amusing. However, the Mountain’s horse immediately starts freaking out when it gets near Ser Loras, so when I was watching the episode I imagined there was some trickery going on. Turns out… Loras’s horse is in heat. The Mountain’s horse stumbles and falls during the round, and Loras is declared the winner. The Mountain gets PISSED.
He then goes after Ser Loras (much to Renly’s dismay), but the Hound jumps in to defend him. I LOVE the tension between the two brothers in this fight, this is possibly my favorite scene so far in the season. They seem pretty evenly matched and Joffrey starts getting a boner at the bloodshed, but Robert is party pooper and demands they stop. The Mountain stomps off, and Loras is extremely grateful to the Hound for saving his life, even going to far to lift his hand in victory as the crowd cheers for him. I don’t know if Loras had an ulterior motive in doing this, but it was still a nice moment.
After the tournament, Loras is shaving down Renly’s chest as he apparently prefers him without hair. Renly complains of being thought of as only a boy as he has not seen fighting (and still gets queasy at the sight of blood). Loras remarks that he thinks Renly should be king, as Loras has the money to make it happen. Renly doesn’t think he is serious, so Loras cuts him and forces him to look at it, to get used to it. He tells him that people love him, and that he would be a good king. He proceeds to then show him how much he would love him as King.
Later on, Varys and Ned have a private chat. They discuss cheerful things like castration and paralyzation before getting to the nitty gritty. If Ned doesn’t save Robert, then he is doomed. Basically, he thinks the squire Ser Hugh poisoned Jon Arryn and Robert is going to have the same fate. Why did Jon Arryn die? Because he started asking questions. (FORESHADOWING?) Ned asks why he wasn’t told this sooner, and Varys says that he didn’t trust him. After realizing that Ned was indeed honorable, he decided to give him full disclosure.
Arya chases a cat down into the dungeons, and comes across Magister Illyrio (wtf?) and Varys conspiring together to get Vicerys (well, any Targaryen really) on the throne. Varys warns of coming war, but Illyrio is worried about the timing of such in that Khal Drogo won’t cross the sea until his son is born at the very least. Illyrio suggests killing Ned, but Varys says, “This hand is not the other”. But Illyrio needs time.
Unfortunately, Arya is locked in and seeks another way out. She somehow winds up outside the Red Keep and almost isn’t let back in as the guards think her to be a servant boy until she name drops. She then warns her father that people are planning to kill him. Ned brushes her off until she starts spouting facts that she obviously shouldn’t know. THINGS GET EVEN WORSE. Yoren of the Night’s Watch shows up to tell Ned that Catelyn took Tyrion prisoner.
Littlefinger and Varys has a little contest to see who has bigger balls. (GET IT? HE’S CASTRATED. SO HE DOESN’T HAVE BALLS.) Varys reveals that he knows Littlefinger has been helping the Starks (also about his unsavory (LOL) deals with necrophiliacs), but then Littlefinger reveals that he knows about Varys conspiring with the Magister. Obviously, neither can turn in the other as they both have dirt on eachother. Renly interrupts their little spat and they head into the council meeting… which Robert actually happens to be attending. For once.
At the meeting, Robert has learned by Ser Jorah that Daenerys is pregnant with Khal Drogo’s child. Robert is very upset by this, and decides that he want Daenerys murdered. Everyone at the council agrees except Ned, who can’t reconcile his morals with killing an innocent woman and her unborn child. Robert gives him an order to agree as his King, but Ned decides to resign his position instead, leaving Robert screaming treason after him.
He immediately returns to his chambers and order his men to prepare Arya and Sansa for return to Winterfell. However, Littlefinger shows up and taunts Nedwith the fact that he knows the last person Jon Arryn talked to before he died. You know, if that sort of thing still interested him. Apparently it does, because Ned decides to delay the trip by an hour and goes to a brothel with Littlefinger to meet a whore who gave birth to another of Robert’s bastard sons.
However at THIS point, I’m wondering if Littlefinger did this on purpose, to stop Ned from leaving the city. Perhaps if Ned dies, Littlefinger can woo Catelyn? Gross.
Later on, Robert appears to be brooding when Cersei walks in – and they have their first semi-decent conversation of the season – and probably their last. Robert wants a royal army, rather than multiple armies with different purposes. He doesn’t think the seven kingdoms has a chance unless they work together, rather than hide in the palace walls while the villages burn. They also reminisce on their marriage, and Cersei reveals that she did have feelings for him once, even after they lost their first son. She asks Robert if she ever had a chance with him, and after thinking about it, Robert tells her no. He asks if this makes her feel better or worse… but it makes her feel nothing.
Back at the brothel, Ned gets stopped by Jaime and his men; Jaime is inquiring to the whereabouts of Tyrion as he has discovered his capture. Ned then tells him that he ordered Tyrion’s capture (rather than making it look like Catelyn did it alone… what an honorable dude). A swordfight immediately arupts, with his two best men dying instantly, leaving Jory and Ned against many men. They take down quite a few before Jaime gets Jory in the face with a blade. This sucks, because I actually liked Jory.
Ned is pissed, and Jaime and Ned start dueling one on one. It was a a pretty close match, but this is ruined when one of Jaime’s men stabs Ned through the leg with his spear. Jaime is pissed by this (I guess he wanted to beat him fair and square), and knocks the dude out. He rides away, leaving Ned on the ground, bleeding out.
Bronn: Give me ten good men and some climbing spikes… I’ll impregnate the bitch.
Tyrion: I like you!
Favorite Scene: The sword fight between The Hound and The Mountain. Either that, or Loras knocking The Mountain off his horse.
Etc: Not enough Jon Snow (WOOGIE). 😦 I miss Jory. I love Loras. I hate Catelyn more and more each episode, mainly as she fucked everything up, and threw her entire family in danger. What an idiot.
I apologize if there is any errors in this, I typed it up as quickly as a I could.
Also, from what I hear, there are two episodes tomorrow if you get HBO Go? C/D?